Giving Him Up for Lent: How a Breakup Can Actually Enhance a Relationship

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If a breakup is pending, it’s because a boyfriend does something that drives his girlfriend crazy. He does it more than once. Maybe he is always late picking her up. Maybe he forgets to call. Maybe he cancels dates at the last minute or changes plans because something better comes up. Maybe he stops for a burger on his way over to her house for dinner. Maybe he doesn’t care all that much about satisfying her in bed. Maybe it’s all of the above.

His Boorish Behavior is a Test of Tolerance

All boyfriends do something heinous on their road to true love or when they’re about to depart through her choice or his. Their abhorrent behavior is a build-up of either inconsideration or a major transgression or both. Often it occurs after some heightened intimacy, and, in spite of the pain it causes, a woman should actually welcome it as a sign that she’s reached a fork in the road of a potentially deepening relationship.

Boorish behavior on the part of a boyfriend indicates that he’s testing the waters. He wants to find out: a) how much she is going to put up with and b) if he really needs her at all. It is important for a woman to counter his open challenge with strength and honesty. If she acts all weepy and anguished, she’s reacting to his behavior instead of dealing with it. How she handles this first difficult situation with her boyfriend sets a precedent for the future. If she acts like a victim, that is the kind of relationship she is going to have.

Ending a Relationship

So forget about victimization. If she’s really disgusted with him, she must consider whether to stop the relationship cold. When a woman breaks up with her boyfriend, she’s throwing cold water on the relationship. Cold water is unpleasant, but it does tend to wake people up. He is going to find out if it is hard to live without her. If he finds it impossible, he may show up at her door. But a woman can only take a boyfriend back once. Therefore, she should never break up with her boyfriend unless she’s prepared to lose him.

It’s futile to break up with someone on the phone, because it never feels permanent. A phone call deals with the present not the past and not the future. Most men are tactile or visual learners, and if a woman breaks up with a man over the phone by literally saying:

“I don’t want to see you anymore. It’s over.”

Invariably, he replies, “What are you trying to tell me?”

How and Where to Tell Him It’s Over

Instead, meet him in a public place (never at home) to deliver the bad news. Dinner is a bad idea because it takes too long, and when is a good time to tell him? During the entrée or dessert? And how does an ex-couple sort out the check after the last supper?

Meeting for drinks to ditch him or coffee to call off the romance is quicker and cleaner. Deliver the news, calmly and firmly, and depart. Don’t sit around waiting for a reaction, don’t rail at him, and don’t apologize.

Even better: stop taking his phone calls and write him a “Dear John” letter. It’s old, and it’s corny, but it’s the best way. Never break up with him in the heat of an angry moment, because that’s what he’ll always remember. E-mail is also out; a woman wants to be impartial in her letter, but not impersonal. It sounds cowardly, but breaking up in absentee saves face because no anger or recriminations need to be involved. The ball is dropped with a thunk in his court, and he can take it or leave it.

With a short letter (never more than one side of one page of stationary), a woman has time to state her concerns, as objectively as possible, and how these misgivings led to a decision. She should also include some positive comments about him and the time shared.

Getting Back Together or Not

After the breakup, a woman needs to be aware of her feelings sans boyfriend. Is she relieved or sad? It is hard to admit happiness after dropping someone she once cared about; but if she is feeling exceptionally light hearted, she needs to admit it and to move on.

On the boyfriend’s part, a breakup is going to have one of two outcomes: He is going to leave or he is going to stay. If he leaves, the breakup was only a matter of time anyway. A man may consciously or subconsciously act badly toward a woman with whom he’s disenchanted as a potential lover. If he’s not confrontational, breaking up with him provides a graceful exit, which is certainly preferable to a screaming argument. A couple may even remain friends.

If he wants to stay, a woman has to determine if it’s because his competitive instincts are aroused or if it’s because he really cares about her, and she’s opened his eyes to that fact.

If a woman accepts his apology, takes him back, and nothing changes, she must break up with him for good and not look back.

Deal breakers are men who break up or accept the break up, but still want a physical relationship.

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